Last night I went to see Moonrise Kingdom, because I had been told to. I had also been putting it off, but several people whose movie aesthetic is generally in tune with mine loved it, so I thought my trepidation was only prejudice. This could still be the case.
What it made me think of, though, was where I was at that age, and how wrong I was in my anticipation of every single thing that has happened in my life since then. I’m pretty sure that if I had been shown a picture of my life in the future when I was 12 or so I would have either fallen into suicidal despair or gotten it together, knuckled down and made some choices that would have landed me in a different life entirely.
There are many things that it is too late to undo or do over, but it’s not too late to do them in some kind of way.
The nice thing about this point in life is that the only people I’m answering to, other than the police, are in my head. There are so many, that I can choose which ones to answer to. An additional bonus.
Because I don’t have to see to the welfare of a child or a parent, or anyone, anything, I can live each day as I please, and I’m finding that I want to live it more or less like a 12 year old. Back to before I was bleeding, back to when I believed that the future would be better. Thing is, that in some ways, I know that the future won’t be better, at least in terms of easier. It’s all very well to work on losing weight and getting stronger, eating correctly and watching what I say to people, but the truth is, I am on the cusp of it being pointless. I have reached the point where I know for certain that life is a cul de sac, I really don’t think I believed it before. Somehow, I thought I would get out of aging, and even dying. I know how absurd that sounds, but look into your own self. Do you really think you will die? If you think you will die, why are you spending so much of your energy defending your position? What for? For whom?
Anyway, it could all be just a ruse one of the people in my head is using to get me on another airplane.
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